Funny Joke Corner

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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29″. “I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.” Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the BigBad Wolf crouched down behind a log. “My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little RedRiding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. “My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down thetrack Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this timecrouched behind a road sign. “My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf”, taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… “Will you fuck off,I’m trying to take a shit !”

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During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europefor three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught asupply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught atrain to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not finda seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the trainlooking for any place to sit down.Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there wasroom for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.”Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked.The lady was insulted. “You bloody Americans are so rude”, she said,”can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.He found himself back at the same place.”Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to holdyour dog if I can sit down”, he said.The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant”.He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finallysaid,”Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months withnot a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold yourdog?”The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, youare also obnoxious.”With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady was speechless.An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seatspoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit thelady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lotof things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold yourfork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch outof the window.”

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A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and wasstarting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered,” You know, I’ve got and itchy pussy….” The boy replied, “Well you’re gonna have to point it out, ma’am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!”

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